he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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