do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
