No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
