I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
