He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
babies were throwing up all over the place
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
