It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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