How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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