and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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