"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you win again, gameday.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
