Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm bleeding and have questions
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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