We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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