pop tarts are not kleenex
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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