I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
