WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
