the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
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i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.