have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.