I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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