11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
