why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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