I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
