god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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