Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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