your parents love me but you hate me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
