Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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