Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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