I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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