Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
