Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
