you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
