He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
