my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
