Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
