Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
