Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
