if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
