i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
