I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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