I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I should be sponsored by Trojan
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
