Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
