what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
