Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize