It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
