Only a mothe r could love this liver
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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