it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My penis needs a shock collar
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
