My underwear smells like fireworks.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Your cock deserves a montage
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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