The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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