His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
