Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
