At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
