At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
