Your tits are I can't wait for
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
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Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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