i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
