i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
