i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
