i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
