Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
