Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
