Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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