god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
