Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
