Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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